Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize