Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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