your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
