sarcasm needs its own font
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize