Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
