if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize