The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
