ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
