She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize