I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
