dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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