I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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