I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
