The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
