Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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