I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
