Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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