I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
