i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
