When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
