My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
