I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
