i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
