Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize