My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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