What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
