Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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