Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
