Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Found your dick twin last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
