Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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