I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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