Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
