Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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