Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
