I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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