I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
