The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
