i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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