The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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