So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize