i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
