buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Randomize
