He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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