Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
