Your tits are I can't wait for
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize