Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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