put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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