My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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