Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
