if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
