Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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