You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
