God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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