i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
