I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
